It has recently been revealed to me how karma and honesty work. When you are honest you not only attract that to yourself, you also invite others to do the same. By your example, you affect change in the world around you. If being honest is new to you and you are afraid, I urge you to keep trying to stop the fibs and go honest. Yes others my not like it, but you will feel better about yourself. You will continue to attract others like yourself and you will be able to trust them more. That's the bonus. More, better, living.
I have someone in my life that is dishonest. He is a key person in my financial life. I have no way of ridding myself of him at this time. I am working hard to become aware of how he thinks and what he does so I can better protect myself.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Essential Oils for Living
I have a ton of essential oils from when I owned the Wellness Center of Ocean county and never used them all. I have been using some here or there but recently I have been really using them. They heal my heart, my soul, and my body. I have dried herbs as well and use them around the house but now I am going to use them at work in my Stone Massage pot to enhance the massage. Just brewing them in the water makes a powerful tea for healing the body.
I love my essential oils and love the way my home and office smells from using them.
I love my essential oils and love the way my home and office smells from using them.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Waiting to inhale
My life has been all stressful by my own thoughts. I have been worried and angry all at the same time. Letting other people places and things get to me in a negative way. Almost a weakness on my part. Thinking of all the shit that pissed me off from years ago and currently. It's all wrapped in a ball of bewilderment and frustration. Some how when I have had enough, I stop obsessing and let God take over. Everything turned out the way I wanted except the other people part. When I think of the worst thing that could happen with them, I realize that I really don't need their help anyway. I wish I could hit a delete button in my head to stop playing these old tapes.
I read anything with encouraging words. Any writings that will get my head in the right place to handle my challanges in life. I know I am competent, smart and level headed, but, I doubt my own self. This also caused me to reflect on my own person too. I became very upset with my body image and felt that I was not pretty cause I have gained a few pounds. I look at my tummy and my back to see what it looks like. I remember that my Dad said bad things about my Mother being over weight and have always equated fat with ugly. I feel ugly sometime, yet everyone, I mean everyone I know says Im beautiful. My weight is about 20 lbs more than it has every been. This puts me in a posistion to pick on every little bump. I do know that I am beautiful but so many more times than not I see inadequate body images of myself. This compounded my already difficult times I was having this past week. Today I feel great because I got the message from my Higher power that everything was alright and going to be just the way I wanted it. Call it exaustion or an epiphany but I got the message and stopped worrying.
What is the trigger that bring me there in my head? That place that makes me feel like an ugly moron who can't do anything right? It's so far from the truth. I don't know how I even get there. I "Should" on myself. I say "I should be, or do this, or that" I know that I have it all. I have good looks, a kind loving heart, superb thinking, able to handle most anything that comes my way. God has given me a good brain and I know how to use it so what's the problem.
Now I can inhale.......
I read anything with encouraging words. Any writings that will get my head in the right place to handle my challanges in life. I know I am competent, smart and level headed, but, I doubt my own self. This also caused me to reflect on my own person too. I became very upset with my body image and felt that I was not pretty cause I have gained a few pounds. I look at my tummy and my back to see what it looks like. I remember that my Dad said bad things about my Mother being over weight and have always equated fat with ugly. I feel ugly sometime, yet everyone, I mean everyone I know says Im beautiful. My weight is about 20 lbs more than it has every been. This puts me in a posistion to pick on every little bump. I do know that I am beautiful but so many more times than not I see inadequate body images of myself. This compounded my already difficult times I was having this past week. Today I feel great because I got the message from my Higher power that everything was alright and going to be just the way I wanted it. Call it exaustion or an epiphany but I got the message and stopped worrying.
What is the trigger that bring me there in my head? That place that makes me feel like an ugly moron who can't do anything right? It's so far from the truth. I don't know how I even get there. I "Should" on myself. I say "I should be, or do this, or that" I know that I have it all. I have good looks, a kind loving heart, superb thinking, able to handle most anything that comes my way. God has given me a good brain and I know how to use it so what's the problem.
Now I can inhale.......
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Suzanne wants...deal me a slice...
When I decided to be a wife and mom, I never thought I would be single and still struggling.
I lost my Father to Diabetes when I was just 18 and still in High School, and my stepmother kicked me out as soon as I graduated. Having nothing but the clothes on my back, I found myself in an apartment she found for me that I could not afford. Soon I met my husband and (a boyfriend at the time), he took pitty on me, and allowed me to move in with him 50 miles from my home. I greatfully went, vowing to "pay my own way". I paied what I could for food and expences as I said, selling my only assets of stock (MCI, PSEG) and my car (Dodge Colt) to pay my way in life. I worked here there and every where. My Mother's husband laughingly called it "the job of the month club". I later in life told him (ED) to go Fuck hinself. As I adapeted, I grew closer to my aformentioned boyfriend. We married and were in love, very deeply in love. I soon came to find out that we were expecting our first child (a boy) as we planned in the fall of 1990. We were elated and fell deeper in love with each other and our litttle family. We moved from his parents bungolow on the Jersey shore to our own home and then the trouble began. (I'm keeping this breif) After moving in to a home that he (my husband) decided on, we unexpectedly became pregnant with our second child ( a girl). I never really liked the house but thought he knew best and focused on my new child due in the summer. He squeezed our budget tighter and tighter. Each week we were fighting over pennies. I needed to work, or so I thought. So what would I do while raising kids? I worked Part time and I had around this time enrolled in Massage School against my husbands wishes so I could work a job that I enjoyed while still raising children. (Massage allows you to work odd hours and therefor gave me freedom to work when my husband was home with the kids at night and on weekends.) But he never really wanted that. The home was bought in an area where I would not be able to post a sign bearing my name and title or form a company, and work from home, but in a neighborhood that was completely the opposite. A dead end street filled with conservitives who believed that massage was a front for prostatution. (hope I spelled that right) I came to finally open my own business in another town and against all odds and all by myself while raising kids I grew a small business that at one time had a 30% growth rate. Paid my own way for my stuff so I did not have to ask for money from my husband (who by the way got mad every time I asked "Yelling we have no money save for it") I was on an allowance for the food and daily expences and was told there was no more, that the rest went to the "Bills" I should have know that the 80,000 per year he earned and the $1400 per month I was allotted did not add up. But I believed in him.
So I put my plans on hold and worked here there and every where to make additional money for our family. All the while believing that we had no money. (cause he took care of all the money) After 18 years of marriage and "No Money" even though our bills were minimal and the house was almost paid off (in only 8 years on a 30 year mortgage), I stopped believing him started asking questions and found out that he is really spending on himself and leaving us out in the cold. He hated the fact that I was making it without his help and that was when I asked for marriage counceling. We went but he just spewed the same hollow promises he always lipped as I fought to keep our love alive. I love him more than any amount of money. ANY amount. After a short time of this bullshit......................... (deep breath) I left. I got an attorney (Shit Head I call him) and got the divorce. My ex hates me to this day. We are divorced 3 years now and he still can' t look at me. Guess its the ALIMONY that makes him look the other way. However, long story short, I am not doing so well now. I thought I would be able to keep my company and grow it but the economy has had different plans. So I desolved the business and focused more on my children who needed me more than ever now. Their dad all messed up on having to pay me after, hmmm lets see, 1985, married in 1988 to 2006, hmm that's um, 18 + years of "paying my own way"
Suzanne wants a break. That's just what Suzanne needs, a break.
I am smart, funny, kind, giving, loving, creative, imaginative, not a good speller, but hard working, and not doing well at the massage job I got working for a local holistic center to take care of my kids, cause no one is spending money, cause no one has much these days, cause we're all hangin on for the future not knowing what it will bring. More wine please. (AAHHhh) So........What's next?
I lost my Father to Diabetes when I was just 18 and still in High School, and my stepmother kicked me out as soon as I graduated. Having nothing but the clothes on my back, I found myself in an apartment she found for me that I could not afford. Soon I met my husband and (a boyfriend at the time), he took pitty on me, and allowed me to move in with him 50 miles from my home. I greatfully went, vowing to "pay my own way". I paied what I could for food and expences as I said, selling my only assets of stock (MCI, PSEG) and my car (Dodge Colt) to pay my way in life. I worked here there and every where. My Mother's husband laughingly called it "the job of the month club". I later in life told him (ED) to go Fuck hinself. As I adapeted, I grew closer to my aformentioned boyfriend. We married and were in love, very deeply in love. I soon came to find out that we were expecting our first child (a boy) as we planned in the fall of 1990. We were elated and fell deeper in love with each other and our litttle family. We moved from his parents bungolow on the Jersey shore to our own home and then the trouble began. (I'm keeping this breif) After moving in to a home that he (my husband) decided on, we unexpectedly became pregnant with our second child ( a girl). I never really liked the house but thought he knew best and focused on my new child due in the summer. He squeezed our budget tighter and tighter. Each week we were fighting over pennies. I needed to work, or so I thought. So what would I do while raising kids? I worked Part time and I had around this time enrolled in Massage School against my husbands wishes so I could work a job that I enjoyed while still raising children. (Massage allows you to work odd hours and therefor gave me freedom to work when my husband was home with the kids at night and on weekends.) But he never really wanted that. The home was bought in an area where I would not be able to post a sign bearing my name and title or form a company, and work from home, but in a neighborhood that was completely the opposite. A dead end street filled with conservitives who believed that massage was a front for prostatution. (hope I spelled that right) I came to finally open my own business in another town and against all odds and all by myself while raising kids I grew a small business that at one time had a 30% growth rate. Paid my own way for my stuff so I did not have to ask for money from my husband (who by the way got mad every time I asked "Yelling we have no money save for it") I was on an allowance for the food and daily expences and was told there was no more, that the rest went to the "Bills" I should have know that the 80,000 per year he earned and the $1400 per month I was allotted did not add up. But I believed in him.
So I put my plans on hold and worked here there and every where to make additional money for our family. All the while believing that we had no money. (cause he took care of all the money) After 18 years of marriage and "No Money" even though our bills were minimal and the house was almost paid off (in only 8 years on a 30 year mortgage), I stopped believing him started asking questions and found out that he is really spending on himself and leaving us out in the cold. He hated the fact that I was making it without his help and that was when I asked for marriage counceling. We went but he just spewed the same hollow promises he always lipped as I fought to keep our love alive. I love him more than any amount of money. ANY amount. After a short time of this bullshit......................... (deep breath) I left. I got an attorney (Shit Head I call him) and got the divorce. My ex hates me to this day. We are divorced 3 years now and he still can' t look at me. Guess its the ALIMONY that makes him look the other way. However, long story short, I am not doing so well now. I thought I would be able to keep my company and grow it but the economy has had different plans. So I desolved the business and focused more on my children who needed me more than ever now. Their dad all messed up on having to pay me after, hmmm lets see, 1985, married in 1988 to 2006, hmm that's um, 18 + years of "paying my own way"
Suzanne wants a break. That's just what Suzanne needs, a break.
I am smart, funny, kind, giving, loving, creative, imaginative, not a good speller, but hard working, and not doing well at the massage job I got working for a local holistic center to take care of my kids, cause no one is spending money, cause no one has much these days, cause we're all hangin on for the future not knowing what it will bring. More wine please. (AAHHhh) So........What's next?
Monday, May 4, 2009
I have what I need for today
I read an article on cnn.com about Toyota's Just in Time approach to car building. This was then compared to life by Martha Beck a writer for Oprah.com. She made references to food, shopping, money, and so on. I realize that while I am not where I expect myself to be, I am exactly where I need to be right now. I have all I need today. I am just where I should be to carry out my intentions. I want to be an available Mom to my children and I am, but I often complain of not having enough work. Yet if I did work more I would be here less for them. I do not necessarily need to work more, for I have enough money to get by, I just think I should work more to earn more to have more. Why? There is a time and place for everything and this is not the time to be worrying about my status in life. More its a time to be raising my family to value the important things. Things like being together, helping each other, and talking about life. This takes time. You have to be there when they are there to have it happen.
I have exactly what I need.
I have exactly what I need.
What do we Value?
I have over this past week come to realize that I have not always been a good friend. I have come to see my shortcomings. Not being compassionate enough when friends were hurting for example. Or not making the phone call to say "I'm sorry" or "How can I help". My boy friend's Mother died last Sunday and his family has been reacting in a way I have never seen. All of them divided over something. Even the smallest detail like weather or not to print an Obituary or have a service or to not be cold hearted about her things but just throwing them away. Not remembering what she valued and showing care for those things. For me this is terrible to hear and see. I don't want that for me.
I value life, or so I think. I have noticed that when it comes to my own family I have been too hard headed at times. When it comes to friends, I have sometimes put my own needs, small as they were at times, ahead of theirs. I could have made a small gesture to show my concern. But did not. This bothers me. I do care greatly. I want to show my care and understanding. I value life I think and see the good in all people but I also see the bad and often judge people harshly. My intention is always to educate but its not my place to impart my opinion so I don't. But if you ask me my opinion, I will tell you. Like it or not.
I remember feeling guilty recently when I look back and think about the times I have fallen short on the compassion part for several people I know who lost a parent or loved one. I see my shortcoming. I hope to not repeat the mistakes of my past. I wish to remember this experience and be loving to all from now on.
I value life, or so I think. I have noticed that when it comes to my own family I have been too hard headed at times. When it comes to friends, I have sometimes put my own needs, small as they were at times, ahead of theirs. I could have made a small gesture to show my concern. But did not. This bothers me. I do care greatly. I want to show my care and understanding. I value life I think and see the good in all people but I also see the bad and often judge people harshly. My intention is always to educate but its not my place to impart my opinion so I don't. But if you ask me my opinion, I will tell you. Like it or not.
I remember feeling guilty recently when I look back and think about the times I have fallen short on the compassion part for several people I know who lost a parent or loved one. I see my shortcoming. I hope to not repeat the mistakes of my past. I wish to remember this experience and be loving to all from now on.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Sunshine
Today is a good day so far. I am happy and feeling free to enjoy life. I have decided to paint today. Sprucing up my home makes me happy. I like the feeling of freshening up when spring comes. I renew and the Earth renews this time of year. My garden will change too. I have some plans for new flowers and more herbs for medicine.
I miss my Daughter and my Son. When I divorced their Father I thought they would be with me more. But I set it up as shared custody so they would have the best of both parents. We live in the same town to make it easy on my kids. Its been hard for me since they have grown up to not have their company at home here. My Son is the oldest and is off with his friends having fun and my Daughter is still a young teen and she is wanting the same rights as her older brother. So I have my hands full to say the least. I hope we will be close as the years roll by. I love family in my life and in my house. I want to cook large dinners and eat and drink while chatting about life and things. Unfortunately I never got the big family and closeness I wanted. However, I do have great love from the small family I seldom see. Maybe that's better over all. Sometimes family members get in their own way. I suppose I would be complaining about not having any privacy if I had them here all the time.
I feel happy for what I have. I don't want to think about what I don't have. I am grateful for my health, and my life. I hope to make it richer in every way.
I miss my Daughter and my Son. When I divorced their Father I thought they would be with me more. But I set it up as shared custody so they would have the best of both parents. We live in the same town to make it easy on my kids. Its been hard for me since they have grown up to not have their company at home here. My Son is the oldest and is off with his friends having fun and my Daughter is still a young teen and she is wanting the same rights as her older brother. So I have my hands full to say the least. I hope we will be close as the years roll by. I love family in my life and in my house. I want to cook large dinners and eat and drink while chatting about life and things. Unfortunately I never got the big family and closeness I wanted. However, I do have great love from the small family I seldom see. Maybe that's better over all. Sometimes family members get in their own way. I suppose I would be complaining about not having any privacy if I had them here all the time.
I feel happy for what I have. I don't want to think about what I don't have. I am grateful for my health, and my life. I hope to make it richer in every way.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Fulfilment
Today I asked myself the next question of why I don't feel fulfilled. How do I fill my life? I have two kids that are growing up. One is going off to college and one is a teen (omg). I have a lovely home and a dog who I love. What's Next?
Then this came to my mind:
Dreaming! Daydreaming about traveling, beaches, arts, exotic cities, and shopping. As I dream I fill my mind with what pleases me. It takes me away from home or work and puts me where I want to be. If you want something out of life, you have to try to find ways to achieve your goal. Even if that means only dreaming about it. I think its healthy to daydream about what you want. I think if I focus on what I want I will get it some day. I know God has a plan for me and that I have to be patient. After all I can't just forget about my family and do whatever I want. That would just be irresponsible. Not at all like me. So I will have to save money for my travels. Not easy.
Now I am pissed. This sucks. I once again some how put it on the back burner. "Well I guess I will have to save money. Not Easy." Saying that make my wishes some how unobtainable. So now I feel depressed. I think my goals need to be apart of my everyday life. Not just a trip that I have to save for. I will get there. I will make a life that is fulfilling. I know I can.
More to come!
Then this came to my mind:
Dreaming! Daydreaming about traveling, beaches, arts, exotic cities, and shopping. As I dream I fill my mind with what pleases me. It takes me away from home or work and puts me where I want to be. If you want something out of life, you have to try to find ways to achieve your goal. Even if that means only dreaming about it. I think its healthy to daydream about what you want. I think if I focus on what I want I will get it some day. I know God has a plan for me and that I have to be patient. After all I can't just forget about my family and do whatever I want. That would just be irresponsible. Not at all like me. So I will have to save money for my travels. Not easy.
Now I am pissed. This sucks. I once again some how put it on the back burner. "Well I guess I will have to save money. Not Easy." Saying that make my wishes some how unobtainable. So now I feel depressed. I think my goals need to be apart of my everyday life. Not just a trip that I have to save for. I will get there. I will make a life that is fulfilling. I know I can.
More to come!
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Depervation
As I was driving to the gym today I started to feel unhappy. Deprived of something. I was thinking about money again. I think I am broke all the time! It's chronic. I always feel deprived. Where does this come from? I mean I have everything I want. I guess. Why do I frequently go through this? My life has changed in so many ways since my childhood. I have turned bad situations into good ones, I have taken back control of my life, I have my own home and a decent car... what else could it be? I said to myself, "You have everything you want. You are fine. Why do you always go to this place in your mind that makes you feel like you are missing something?"
When I came home I realized that I wanted new curtains in the house and new carpeting as well. Not having a lot of money, I took some curtains from one room and put them in another. Changed some table clothes, and cleaned a few things up to brighten the rooms. Now I feel happier about not having the money to just go shopping at my first whim. But why do I still go there in my brain? I don't know. I do have some money to go shopping, but I don't want to spend it all at once and I am sure I will. I am working as much as my job allows, but still ..
It just came to me. I don't feel proud of my accomplishments at work. My pride is based on how well I do at work or in my field. When I owned my own business, I felt so good about myself. I have confidence. I have goals. That's it. Its my work. The massage industry is very tough in that we are not cheap, not covered by insurance, and we need long hours to be open for everyone's convenience. I am a single Mom and fear that time away from my 13 year old will take away from her quality of life. I love my kids more than anything. How can I change my situation?
When I came home I realized that I wanted new curtains in the house and new carpeting as well. Not having a lot of money, I took some curtains from one room and put them in another. Changed some table clothes, and cleaned a few things up to brighten the rooms. Now I feel happier about not having the money to just go shopping at my first whim. But why do I still go there in my brain? I don't know. I do have some money to go shopping, but I don't want to spend it all at once and I am sure I will. I am working as much as my job allows, but still ..
It just came to me. I don't feel proud of my accomplishments at work. My pride is based on how well I do at work or in my field. When I owned my own business, I felt so good about myself. I have confidence. I have goals. That's it. Its my work. The massage industry is very tough in that we are not cheap, not covered by insurance, and we need long hours to be open for everyone's convenience. I am a single Mom and fear that time away from my 13 year old will take away from her quality of life. I love my kids more than anything. How can I change my situation?
Thursday, April 9, 2009
I never expected....
I never expected to be 43 and wondering where my life is going. I thought I would be in a perfect career, with a perfect family intact, and have some predictability in my life. This couldn't be farther from the truth. My life is happy, my kids are great, I love what I do, but I have very few things that are predictable in my life. Do other people live this way? I mean I'm not a control freak or anything. But well for instance my work is irregular. I never know when I will be working. I have regular hours but sometimes it is booked and sometimes not. Maybe life would be boring if it were too predictable? As I get older I respect, and cherish my life choices. I think that I have done well in choosing my career, and so on. However, If I could have a perfect life (this is no such thing I know) what would it be? Things or life styles? Maybe both.
What do you think?
What do you think?
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