Waiting to inhale

My life has been all stressful by my own thoughts. I have been worried and angry all at the same time. Letting other people places and things get to me in a negative way. Almost a weakness on my part. Thinking of all the shit that pissed me off from years ago and currently. It's all wrapped in a ball of bewilderment and frustration. Some how when I have had enough, I stop obsessing and let God take over. Everything turned out the way I wanted except the other people part. When I think of the worst thing that could happen with them, I realize that I really don't need their help anyway. I wish I could hit a delete button in my head to stop playing these old tapes.

I read anything with encouraging words. Any writings that will get my head in the right place to handle my challanges in life. I know I am competent, smart and level headed, but, I doubt my own self. This also caused me to reflect on my own person too. I became very upset with my body image and felt that I was not pretty cause I have gained a few pounds. I look at my tummy and my back to see what it looks like. I remember that my Dad said bad things about my Mother being over weight and have always equated fat with ugly. I feel ugly sometime, yet everyone, I mean everyone I know says Im beautiful. My weight is about 20 lbs more than it has every been. This puts me in a posistion to pick on every little bump. I do know that I am beautiful but so many more times than not I see inadequate body images of myself. This compounded my already difficult times I was having this past week. Today I feel great because I got the message from my Higher power that everything was alright and going to be just the way I wanted it. Call it exaustion or an epiphany but I got the message and stopped worrying.

What is the trigger that bring me there in my head? That place that makes me feel like an ugly moron who can't do anything right? It's so far from the truth. I don't know how I even get there. I "Should" on myself. I say "I should be, or do this, or that" I know that I have it all. I have good looks, a kind loving heart, superb thinking, able to handle most anything that comes my way. God has given me a good brain and I know how to use it so what's the problem.

Now I can inhale.......