Worry

I worry about may things. My future and my children mostly. I try to stop worrying but it often creeps back in to my thinking. When I stop the thoughts, I start new one's so my mind won't wander. Like I think about my cute dog or starting a project. If I am at work, I work harder and focus more I my client. This drowns out my worry. It's really a fear you know, worry. You fear the worst of a situation. Or the things that are unknown. But where does it get you? Nowhere better than where you are right now. Yet we still do it. I know my worrying over my kids will never help them do better in life, but I feel compelled to think about it over and over sometimes. Many times I trick my mind by thinking the problem is resolved and that we are living the best life possible. That works very well for quite some time. I think from the end of the situation back. Act as if it were resolved or never happened. Take for instance my daughters grades in High School. I worry that she won't do well. So I think about her graduating at the top of her class and being very successful right now. It feels good and I stop the worrying. I think if I contemplate the good thoughts, I will create the good. I know when I have contemplated the bad thought, they happened. It was almost freaky.

Today I am worried for my Son. He has a driving violation that we have to go to court for and I fear he will have points on his license and have to pay big bucks to the insurance company. Money we do not have. I believe he is a good driver and we come out of this a winner. So I guess I will only think of that, winning. But the worries still creep in every now and then.

Bless this day
Suzanne

Waiting to inhale

My life has been all stressful by my own thoughts. I have been worried and angry all at the same time. Letting other people places and things get to me in a negative way. Almost a weakness on my part. Thinking of all the shit that pissed me off from years ago and currently. It's all wrapped in a ball of bewilderment and frustration. Some how when I have had enough, I stop obsessing and let God take over. Everything turned out the way I wanted except the other people part. When I think of the worst thing that could happen with them, I realize that I really don't need their help anyway. I wish I could hit a delete button in my head to stop playing these old tapes.

I read anything with encouraging words. Any writings that will get my head in the right place to handle my challanges in life. I know I am competent, smart and level headed, but, I doubt my own self. This also caused me to reflect on my own person too. I became very upset with my body image and felt that I was not pretty cause I have gained a few pounds. I look at my tummy and my back to see what it looks like. I remember that my Dad said bad things about my Mother being over weight and have always equated fat with ugly. I feel ugly sometime, yet everyone, I mean everyone I know says Im beautiful. My weight is about 20 lbs more than it has every been. This puts me in a posistion to pick on every little bump. I do know that I am beautiful but so many more times than not I see inadequate body images of myself. This compounded my already difficult times I was having this past week. Today I feel great because I got the message from my Higher power that everything was alright and going to be just the way I wanted it. Call it exaustion or an epiphany but I got the message and stopped worrying.

What is the trigger that bring me there in my head? That place that makes me feel like an ugly moron who can't do anything right? It's so far from the truth. I don't know how I even get there. I "Should" on myself. I say "I should be, or do this, or that" I know that I have it all. I have good looks, a kind loving heart, superb thinking, able to handle most anything that comes my way. God has given me a good brain and I know how to use it so what's the problem.

Now I can inhale.......