Sunshine

Today is a good day so far. I am happy and feeling free to enjoy life. I have decided to paint today. Sprucing up my home makes me happy. I like the feeling of freshening up when spring comes. I renew and the Earth renews this time of year. My garden will change too. I have some plans for new flowers and more herbs for medicine.

I miss my Daughter and my Son. When I divorced their Father I thought they would be with me more. But I set it up as shared custody so they would have the best of both parents. We live in the same town to make it easy on my kids. Its been hard for me since they have grown up to not have their company at home here. My Son is the oldest and is off with his friends having fun and my Daughter is still a young teen and she is wanting the same rights as her older brother. So I have my hands full to say the least. I hope we will be close as the years roll by. I love family in my life and in my house. I want to cook large dinners and eat and drink while chatting about life and things. Unfortunately I never got the big family and closeness I wanted. However, I do have great love from the small family I seldom see. Maybe that's better over all. Sometimes family members get in their own way. I suppose I would be complaining about not having any privacy if I had them here all the time.

I feel happy for what I have. I don't want to think about what I don't have. I am grateful for my health, and my life. I hope to make it richer in every way.

Fulfilment

Today I asked myself the next question of why I don't feel fulfilled. How do I fill my life? I have two kids that are growing up. One is going off to college and one is a teen (omg). I have a lovely home and a dog who I love. What's Next?

Then this came to my mind:
Dreaming! Daydreaming about traveling, beaches, arts, exotic cities, and shopping. As I dream I fill my mind with what pleases me. It takes me away from home or work and puts me where I want to be. If you want something out of life, you have to try to find ways to achieve your goal. Even if that means only dreaming about it. I think its healthy to daydream about what you want. I think if I focus on what I want I will get it some day. I know God has a plan for me and that I have to be patient. After all I can't just forget about my family and do whatever I want. That would just be irresponsible. Not at all like me. So I will have to save money for my travels. Not easy.

Now I am pissed. This sucks. I once again some how put it on the back burner. "Well I guess I will have to save money. Not Easy." Saying that make my wishes some how unobtainable. So now I feel depressed. I think my goals need to be apart of my everyday life. Not just a trip that I have to save for. I will get there. I will make a life that is fulfilling. I know I can.

More to come!

Depervation

As I was driving to the gym today I started to feel unhappy. Deprived of something. I was thinking about money again. I think I am broke all the time! It's chronic. I always feel deprived. Where does this come from? I mean I have everything I want. I guess. Why do I frequently go through this? My life has changed in so many ways since my childhood. I have turned bad situations into good ones, I have taken back control of my life, I have my own home and a decent car... what else could it be? I said to myself, "You have everything you want. You are fine. Why do you always go to this place in your mind that makes you feel like you are missing something?"

When I came home I realized that I wanted new curtains in the house and new carpeting as well. Not having a lot of money, I took some curtains from one room and put them in another. Changed some table clothes, and cleaned a few things up to brighten the rooms. Now I feel happier about not having the money to just go shopping at my first whim. But why do I still go there in my brain? I don't know. I do have some money to go shopping, but I don't want to spend it all at once and I am sure I will. I am working as much as my job allows, but still ..

It just came to me. I don't feel proud of my accomplishments at work. My pride is based on how well I do at work or in my field. When I owned my own business, I felt so good about myself. I have confidence. I have goals. That's it. Its my work. The massage industry is very tough in that we are not cheap, not covered by insurance, and we need long hours to be open for everyone's convenience. I am a single Mom and fear that time away from my 13 year old will take away from her quality of life. I love my kids more than anything. How can I change my situation?

I never expected....

I never expected to be 43 and wondering where my life is going. I thought I would be in a perfect career, with a perfect family intact, and have some predictability in my life. This couldn't be farther from the truth. My life is happy, my kids are great, I love what I do, but I have very few things that are predictable in my life. Do other people live this way? I mean I'm not a control freak or anything. But well for instance my work is irregular. I never know when I will be working. I have regular hours but sometimes it is booked and sometimes not. Maybe life would be boring if it were too predictable? As I get older I respect, and cherish my life choices. I think that I have done well in choosing my career, and so on. However, If I could have a perfect life (this is no such thing I know) what would it be? Things or life styles? Maybe both.

What do you think?