Suzanne wants...deal me a slice...

When I decided to be a wife and mom, I never thought I would be single and still struggling.

I lost my Father to Diabetes when I was just 18 and still in High School, and my stepmother kicked me out as soon as I graduated. Having nothing but the clothes on my back, I found myself in an apartment she found for me that I could not afford. Soon I met my husband and (a boyfriend at the time), he took pitty on me, and allowed me to move in with him 50 miles from my home. I greatfully went, vowing to "pay my own way". I paied what I could for food and expences as I said, selling my only assets of stock (MCI, PSEG) and my car (Dodge Colt) to pay my way in life. I worked here there and every where. My Mother's husband laughingly called it "the job of the month club". I later in life told him (ED) to go Fuck hinself. As I adapeted, I grew closer to my aformentioned boyfriend. We married and were in love, very deeply in love. I soon came to find out that we were expecting our first child (a boy) as we planned in the fall of 1990. We were elated and fell deeper in love with each other and our litttle family. We moved from his parents bungolow on the Jersey shore to our own home and then the trouble began. (I'm keeping this breif) After moving in to a home that he (my husband) decided on, we unexpectedly became pregnant with our second child ( a girl). I never really liked the house but thought he knew best and focused on my new child due in the summer. He squeezed our budget tighter and tighter. Each week we were fighting over pennies. I needed to work, or so I thought. So what would I do while raising kids? I worked Part time and I had around this time enrolled in Massage School against my husbands wishes so I could work a job that I enjoyed while still raising children. (Massage allows you to work odd hours and therefor gave me freedom to work when my husband was home with the kids at night and on weekends.) But he never really wanted that. The home was bought in an area where I would not be able to post a sign bearing my name and title or form a company, and work from home, but in a neighborhood that was completely the opposite. A dead end street filled with conservitives who believed that massage was a front for prostatution. (hope I spelled that right) I came to finally open my own business in another town and against all odds and all by myself while raising kids I grew a small business that at one time had a 30% growth rate. Paid my own way for my stuff so I did not have to ask for money from my husband (who by the way got mad every time I asked "Yelling we have no money save for it") I was on an allowance for the food and daily expences and was told there was no more, that the rest went to the "Bills" I should have know that the 80,000 per year he earned and the $1400 per month I was allotted did not add up. But I believed in him.

So I put my plans on hold and worked here there and every where to make additional money for our family. All the while believing that we had no money. (cause he took care of all the money) After 18 years of marriage and "No Money" even though our bills were minimal and the house was almost paid off (in only 8 years on a 30 year mortgage), I stopped believing him started asking questions and found out that he is really spending on himself and leaving us out in the cold. He hated the fact that I was making it without his help and that was when I asked for marriage counceling. We went but he just spewed the same hollow promises he always lipped as I fought to keep our love alive. I love him more than any amount of money. ANY amount. After a short time of this bullshit......................... (deep breath) I left. I got an attorney (Shit Head I call him) and got the divorce. My ex hates me to this day. We are divorced 3 years now and he still can' t look at me. Guess its the ALIMONY that makes him look the other way. However, long story short, I am not doing so well now. I thought I would be able to keep my company and grow it but the economy has had different plans. So I desolved the business and focused more on my children who needed me more than ever now. Their dad all messed up on having to pay me after, hmmm lets see, 1985, married in 1988 to 2006, hmm that's um, 18 + years of "paying my own way"

Suzanne wants a break. That's just what Suzanne needs, a break.

I am smart, funny, kind, giving, loving, creative, imaginative, not a good speller, but hard working, and not doing well at the massage job I got working for a local holistic center to take care of my kids, cause no one is spending money, cause no one has much these days, cause we're all hangin on for the future not knowing what it will bring. More wine please. (AAHHhh) So........What's next?

I have what I need for today

I read an article on cnn.com about Toyota's Just in Time approach to car building. This was then compared to life by Martha Beck a writer for Oprah.com. She made references to food, shopping, money, and so on. I realize that while I am not where I expect myself to be, I am exactly where I need to be right now. I have all I need today. I am just where I should be to carry out my intentions. I want to be an available Mom to my children and I am, but I often complain of not having enough work. Yet if I did work more I would be here less for them. I do not necessarily need to work more, for I have enough money to get by, I just think I should work more to earn more to have more. Why? There is a time and place for everything and this is not the time to be worrying about my status in life. More its a time to be raising my family to value the important things. Things like being together, helping each other, and talking about life. This takes time. You have to be there when they are there to have it happen.

I have exactly what I need.

What do we Value?

I have over this past week come to realize that I have not always been a good friend. I have come to see my shortcomings. Not being compassionate enough when friends were hurting for example. Or not making the phone call to say "I'm sorry" or "How can I help". My boy friend's Mother died last Sunday and his family has been reacting in a way I have never seen. All of them divided over something. Even the smallest detail like weather or not to print an Obituary or have a service or to not be cold hearted about her things but just throwing them away. Not remembering what she valued and showing care for those things. For me this is terrible to hear and see. I don't want that for me.

I value life, or so I think. I have noticed that when it comes to my own family I have been too hard headed at times. When it comes to friends, I have sometimes put my own needs, small as they were at times, ahead of theirs. I could have made a small gesture to show my concern. But did not. This bothers me. I do care greatly. I want to show my care and understanding. I value life I think and see the good in all people but I also see the bad and often judge people harshly. My intention is always to educate but its not my place to impart my opinion so I don't. But if you ask me my opinion, I will tell you. Like it or not.

I remember feeling guilty recently when I look back and think about the times I have fallen short on the compassion part for several people I know who lost a parent or loved one. I see my shortcoming. I hope to not repeat the mistakes of my past. I wish to remember this experience and be loving to all from now on.